theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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