Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
