matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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