i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
