My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize