alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize