Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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