I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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