so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
