My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
