I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
