we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just high enough for therapy.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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