There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize