I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
