Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
