I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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