any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
