At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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