btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
