She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
