dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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