i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
