just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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