yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize