i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
