I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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