Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
