So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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