Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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