I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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