i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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