goodnight i made you a song goodbye
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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