I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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