my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
smell my finger.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
