I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So many bounce houses so little time
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
