I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
