If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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