The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I don't deserve a penis
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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