i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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