Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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