Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
