You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize