she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
