All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
