Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
