I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
high people should be assigned attendants
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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