Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm always down for nudity.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
