if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
