At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
