I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize