I'd wear matching sweaters with you
apparently the secret to your success is patron
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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