Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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