Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
high people should be assigned attendants
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
