I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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