I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
