What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize