Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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