I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
